01/17/13

Song lyrics of the day: Upupa epops

Upupa epops (to the tune of Cyndi Lauper’s “She Bop”)
Well, I see it in the tree with a feather crown,
Or by its lonesome foraging on the ground,
[Oop!] The male sings, looking for some good lovemakin’,
The female chills, wings spread, mad sunbathin’…
[Hoopoe!] Epops, epops
It’s king of the birds in Aristophanes,
Eatin’ bugs and reptiles and sometimes berries,
Hey, it’s the only extant member of its family,
And listed as not kosher in Deuteronomy…
[Hoopoe!] Epops, epops
Epops, he pops, a we pops
I pops, you pops, a they pops
Epops bebops a pu pops
(O-no-ma-to-po-eia!)
Epops, he pops, a we pops
I pops, you pops, a they pops
Epops epops, Upupa epops
Oh, Upupa epops
Hey, hey I hear it in branches going oop-oop-oop
Sounds a lot like a Himalayan cuckoo
[Oop!] Revered by Minoans, on tombs in Crete,
Digs out mole crickets with it’s freaky strong feet
[Hoopoe!] Epops, epops
Epops, he pops, a we pops
I pops, you pops, a they pops
Epops bebops a pu pops
(O-no-ma-to-po-eia!)
Epops, he pops, a we pops
I pops, you pops, a they pops
Epops epops, Upupa epops
Oh, Upupa epops

 

10/10/12

Hey, I just met you, and this is kooky, but here’s my number! Tongue Labouti!

Top Ten Scandalous-Sounding Names For Fictional Intimate Acts Generated By Putting Chinese Transliterations Of Terms From A Fourteenth Century Collection of Mongolian Documents Through Google Translate This Afternoon:

10. Martha and The Black Mahama
9. The Fire of the Original Clean
8. Wipe Tuo
7. Scattered Jill Police
6. Tongue Assassination
5. The Black Dingban of Ghana
4. The Wood Answer
3. Satisfied Door
2. Satisfied Speed Children
1. Kazakhstan Tongue Labouti

10/9/12

Natural History According To US Weekly (in which we suppose that aliens wipe out the entire planet except for the web archive of US Weekly and recreate human natural history from that archive)

“I felt like my vagina died,” she shared of her sex life with [former husband]. “Turned off. Lights out . . . you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.” … “Sometimes your vagina dies,” she explained. “Then you know it’s time to go.” - from “Olivia Wilde: Jason Sudeikis and I Have ‘Sex Like Kenyan Marathon Runners’,”  Us Weekly 09.10.2012

 

Vagina: (n) Symbiotic organism connected to and communicatively linked with a human woman’s body. Has preternatural powers of lie-detection, especially during Christmas and in matters involving stone fruit. Illuminated when functional. Can proceed through repeated life-cycles with several successive births and deaths, each signaling a change in the locomotive pattern of host woman. Can be resurrected, especially by Kenyan marathon runners.

10/3/12

My So-Called Homeland

(A villanelle to Claire Danes, composed upon realizing that every major role she has played that I could think of off the top of my head has been dominated by a basically dysfunctional relationship. Also, I watch too much television.)

 

My So-Called Homeland

Angela: [voiceover] Does anybody know Jordan Catalano? That question, like, got to me. I mean, I’d had seven conversations with him, and one really bad kiss, and one amazing one. But did I, like, know him?

They stretch your strings like tuning a piano
We all, by now, know Congressman Nick Brody.
Does anyone know Jordan Catalano?

Claire Danes, we need like sauce needs oregano
To find you a male lead who’s not so naughty.
They stretch your strings like tuning a piano.

One crazy soldier, hard like parmigiano;
One shaggy brooder coasting on peyote.
(Does anyone know Jordan Catalano?)

On loser-loves, you need to place a ban-o.
(In Shopgirl, Claire, we saw you date a roadie!)
They stretch your strings like tuning a piano.

Nor Angela nor Carrie has a plan, yo.
Each goes for the inscrutable coyote.
Does anyone know Jordan Catalano?

Both men have got the touch like iPod nano.
But if you’re asking me now for my vote-y,
They stretch your strings like tuning a piano.
Does anyone know Jordan Catalano?